【English】Just Got Bored and Put It
自己療養=破壊的な文章⑤
I don’t even know why I have to write in English but it’s another way to articulate and conceptualise the world into cognitively understandable parts right? Something different might be cast upon the silver screen but otherwise so be it. No one cares at the end of the day, or I?
It’s been two or three weeks since I began being prescribed. I don’t feel anything has changed so far. I have, sincerely obedient to the doctor (who appears to be absolutely no interested in what I say), kept taking pills, two to keep my temper stable after lunch and one to induce sleep before bed. Well, maybe I can fall asleep more easily than before, but my brain never stops to be hazy whilst the sun is up, with my productivity seriously lost as I’m told to go to bed by 0.
Well, who don’t think about your future when your life seems completely stuck (maybe in the sewage drain or between pages 234-235 of the volume 1 of Das Kapital?)? But what scares me the most is that there seems to stand ahead no chance of my living an ordinary day. Maybe that’s fine by me in some respects, but for the most part of it no. So recently I’ve got nothing but to think about what have already passed. The faces of the people I have loved, betrayed or had no particular impression toward emerge in my (childish) daydream. But they are never there by me. The town where my university lies looks dead. You know I have to admit I’d fancy interacting with people maybe still more desperately than a normal educated male in his 20s.
Still, why do I always break it all with my own hands (and my hands are freaking huge if someone's interested)? It never entertains me to say that I turned the wrong way around even when I was a kid. The day I entered my first school, that was it then. Of course, everything appears organised in a linear, meaningful manner in retrospect whilst the truth is that I had so many other options. But you can’t deny the orientation toward what I am now contained in what I was, can you, because otherwise no clue of explain my developmental process remains.
Well, I mean, I hate my family. Maybe all of them, hopefully but my mother. I’d rather appreciate her if my constantly changing emotion allows. They offered nothing I can leave myself mentally against. They always tried to understand what family and son (or grandson) should be in their own fashion. Some might say they helped me join a decent university or company providing with much financial support. I don’t give a shit whatsoever. How a kid, knowing virtually nothing about how the society goes around, can find an emotional tie to their family in money or the institutions he’s in? They are pretty straightforward. Just listen to what they say, not denying it as much as possible. When they achieve, just pat their head. When they cry, just rub their back. When they make a mistake, just correct it and sometimes scold them. That’s it. How can it be simpler?
I don’t give a shit about how expensive the ingredients for the dinner are or how having dinner with your family assures you are part of it when you have a relationship with an eerie stupid old man claiming he’s an artist after your ‘beloved’ husband was dead. I don’t give a shit about how your boss has been morally violent to you when you are working so hard. And never does concealing 20000000 yen of debt to get divorce help your child grow decent right? If I am mistaken, kindly correct me. But see me and my brother. Having a nice academic title or career does not enable us even to make friends. We somehow blow it because we never know what it’s like to let someone in, which you should learn in your youth with your family first. We only consult psychiatrists.
And I’m one of them. I’m one of those frantic bastards, who has caused a whole host of troubles wherever I go. I know. It’s not the cause but the responsibility that matters. ‘When it comes on top, you’ve gotta make it happen’, once the greatest band from the U.K. said. I just wanted to describe how cold it's like to know you are to be alone.
