【English】You Didn't Say So
自己療養=破壊的な文章⑥
I’m being washed away in the flood of midnight, or more precisely of self-doubt, obsession with past, or depression. A phone that will never ring. The mere thought of her being with someone else kills me. I’ve said her, but I’ve got no idea whom I’m talking about specifically anymore; the people lingering with much significance, be men or women, compose into a highly abstracted and reified image of whom I would like to love. It’s just an after-image of the configuration of what have passed.
I’m thinking of quitting it all. Not in the sling but in a much more practical manner. Probably by telling them I’ve lost myself. To make it fair? I hate how I act as if I’ve transcended myself, stubbornly clinging to the pseudo-scientific delusion the Enlightenment had always had in its mind. I’m now figuring out I can’t stay awake because nothing interests me.
Or she’s getting more concrete. But how can I talk about her? All the possible way-outs to reach her have been thoroughly considered and destroyed by the same person who suffers the most from its outcome. What a circumlocution. I miss her. Well that’s got simpler and clearer even though it lacks all the subtle nuances attached that matters.
Tomorrow holds the same thing, and any tomorrow. I’m at a loss how to buy my time. I wish I could give it all to, well, anything or anyone that’s not me. But the thing is, no one wants me to want them. The more you think, the more natural it gets. Thus, you can’t articulate anything once your thought has been done into a closed system, its completeness aside. Does that really mean you are getting used to it?
I can hear the sound of cars running in the distance. And I hope to be one of those drivers. Sometimes I hear an ambulance, and it makes me wanna cry. Someone’s light has gone out. I could have been one of them. Now I realise it’s getting cold these days.
Guitar. Bow. Alcohol. Song. Translation. Sea. Bike. Car. Video Game. etc. I like them. And they are all I’ve tried to have as mine. Just let time slip by until you can’t stop deciding it. How hard it is to be honest to what you are thinking.
p.s. I forgot to mention cigarettes.
